when the sun goes down
and u're all alone in the room
a day of pleasant moments draws to an end,
one waits restlessly for the breakin of dawn,
to have memories to ponder on.
the night dawns
and all worries are laid to rest
but reflection rises and fills up the mind.
Negativeness often drowns the thoughts of one
sadness filld the lonely soul
but in reality friends are abundant full
and one looks up to the stars
wishing life was better than wat it is
the sun may rise on the beautiful morn
sorrows and pains may not end in the morn
but anxiously waiting what the day brings in the morn
old ending: (happiness, joy, love and peace
is what the heart longs for
living life like there is no tomorrow
will get u by and make LIFE better much more.)
new ending: (with a bit of help from kris)
gone were the yesterdays
but dat is wat no one can take away
as one awaits the dawn of a new day
d journey of LIFE continues on its way
(sounds much better =))))
and u're all alone in the room
a day of pleasant moments draws to an end,
one waits restlessly for the breakin of dawn,
to have memories to ponder on.
the night dawns
and all worries are laid to rest
but reflection rises and fills up the mind.
Negativeness often drowns the thoughts of one
sadness filld the lonely soul
but in reality friends are abundant full
and one looks up to the stars
wishing life was better than wat it is
the sun may rise on the beautiful morn
sorrows and pains may not end in the morn
but anxiously waiting what the day brings in the morn
old ending: (happiness, joy, love and peace
is what the heart longs for
living life like there is no tomorrow
will get u by and make LIFE better much more.)
new ending: (with a bit of help from kris)
gone were the yesterdays
but dat is wat no one can take away
as one awaits the dawn of a new day
d journey of LIFE continues on its way
(sounds much better =))))
dear faithful blog readers of mine..i realli need ur opinion on dis for dis might b an entry for my current skools first magazine creative writing section..n being the editor does stress quite a bit.. so do leave ur comments..no matter good or bad..i'll accept it wit open arms..hehe..thanks..gotto get myself to study my final paper...ECONS..arghhh..
12 comments:
show me the meaning of being lonely....
so many words from the broken heart
its hard to see in this crimson love
so hard to breathe walk with me and maybe
night to light to soon become
wild and free i can feel the sun
your every wish will be done...
tra lalala...
hahahahaha...well....eh so busy singing till i lupa mau say what about ur blog...whats with the so many morn?? MORN! I mourn...=(
so anyway...I love the words of your choice of words...really nice words used....the flow not really smooth but...I REALLY LIKE THE WORDS USED! not bad the metaphors! fwoaah... what gotten into u to write la??!! the starting all good...the ending i abit puzzled..=/
love the words of ur choice of words..dude..english man..hehe..neways..d ending i was listenin to a few diff songs n blended it in..n i somehow got d LIFE word to fit in..so yeah..it gave me my title..=p if u free help me work on d ending la..hehe..
=D better d hor? xD perasannya..*shakes head*
hahaha..ya ya..thx for d help..was thinkin abt leona's yesterday wen writing lor..my inspiration.haha
Not bad at all!!! Personally, I think you elaborated a little too much on the movement of time, meaning the sun and the night. For me, the sun going down and the night dawns is the same, so its kind of repetitive. All in all, its very good, as long as the whole thing has a flow to it. The concept is to start it slow metaphorically, then slowly as it reaches the end, it all make sense. You can even give it a twist by repeating a few lines from the first verse at the last verse and make the readers go "oh, so thats how it progressed!" =p
ermm..ok...i think i get wat u mean..hehe..thanks for d piece of advice..
so EMOOOOOOOOOOOOOO....hahaha...put la happier poem...something like
Here I sit,
Broken hearted,
Wanted to shit,
But only farted.
his advice...very the pro advice....I should do that too next time...*ahem*
epp~! I didnt know Jason commented...WhaT I said earlier was about cursebreaker's comment...not Jason's...but...I think you can tell I cant possibly mean that Jason's comment is pro right?? HAHAHAHA...though its dead funny laa!...my...it rhymes too! hahahaha...
where got emo..considered quite un-emo d la..hahahah..but it was darn funny i tell u..at least it woke me up..was super lazy to get out of bed..seriously...
hahahaha.damn wey,ur fren poem so damn funny and rhymes too...damn...i like it...hahaha..anyway,ur poem not bad..but tak cukup feel lagi...need more meaning...then sure damn cun 1...
im not d old poem writter i used to b..last time can write everyday n all nice wan..now write once a blue moon like crap..like u said, no feelings to it..how sad...hmmm
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